oh boy

Out of sight, out of mind? No. 

It seems that he is just stuck in my head. And let me tell you it is so exhausting. So annoying. Get this guy OUT. PLEASE I BEG. Everytime, i swear i can never just have a cute little petite crush. No it always has to be that when you finally meet a guy that ticks all of your most basic, shallow, superficial, surface level boxes he just stays in your head. Haunting you. And the worst part of all of it is that i dont even like him. I dont even really have a crush on him. I just fancy the idea of him. The character that i’ve created in my mind that doesnt even exist. This supposedly “perfect” guy. But when it comes down to reality, its all just a lovely story i’ve imagined, and so i sit in dull reality, dyyyying for a small fragment of it to come true. But of course it doesnt. How can it. How can i possibly expect a guy to be the person that exists only in my mind.

Alright, ive started the topic of boys now so i might as well really delve into all the crooks and crannies of this beautiful topic. ugh.

Lets face it, im lonely. So very lonely. And all i want is a boys approval. Wow i sound so gross. But hey thats the truth right now. Im just a girl. A teenage girl, who has never really received male attention. My hormones are raging and i’m always emotional, and i just sometimes (all the time) wish that a cute, big, strong, tall boy would make it all go away. Surely he would solve all of my problems. Ok, well at least a few of them. You know, he could give me a hug. A hug, that would be nice. 

Just a wholesome relationship is all. Just for someone to by me flowers, and call me pretty. Thats all a girl really wants. Well, thats all this girl really wants. Is it really too much to ask for. 

And sometimes i wonder, why don’t i have one. I ponder… am i really that unloveable. I mean i know i’m a bit weird, and i’m not the prettiest girl to exist, but still i can’t be that unappealing. That undesirable. Can i? 

I also have to be a bit self aware though, because i’m not exactly seeking anyone out. I’ll develop these crushes on these guys, but i dont do anything about it. When there’s any possibility of anything coming even close to being a possibility of being a spark, i freak. I get totally spooked. I think i might just have a very deepset fear of rejection. Because what if i do go for it, and then i’m confronted with the idea that all those things i pondered were true. That i was right, and i really am simply just that undesirable.

And on another note, another added sprinkle of salt to the wound is always being alone and everyone around you being in a couple. It seems all my friends have managed to procure themselves boyfriends, so its thirdwheeling. All. the. Time. And they include me at least, which is nice, but it's just a constant constant reminder of what i want and dont have.

Ok, you see this really is pandoras box. Heres another point to add. My standards. Oof. they are sooo high. Well, ok not that high, but high enough that the majority of guys i meet are instantly out of the running (they didn’t really want to run the race anyway tho). So to be fair ill just lay it out as it is, and you can judge. Looks wise, i’m not too fussy. I do have a typical type, but if a guy doesn’t fit that i don’t really care. As long as he’s nice enough to look at, i’m happy. i mean, i’m no megan fox so i really cant be too specific in that regard. Personality though, well thats a different story. I want him to be nice, kind, a proper gentleman, motivated, consistent, disciplined, smart. Look i know it sounds like a lot but these are pretty basic things. And he doesn’t need to be them all the time. just , well a guy that wants to be a good version of himself. I dont think i’m being very unreasonable, right? You decide.

Oh well.

I guess ill just keep sitting and waiting around for prince charming. 

Probably not the best method, but i’m a weak little bitch. 

No.

Dont say that. 

Sorry. Im not a weak little bitch, i am strong, and kind and loving.

You know what, the most important thing to remember is to just be yourself, you have so much love to give, and eventually, in good time, the right one will come along. Be patient and dont be scared. 

Alright i’m sick of writing about boys…

move on