just breath

ok so maybe it doesn't feel like an elephant is standing on top of my chest, but maybe a large dog. 

I have been feeling this way the last few weeks. Its one of the reasons i decided to start this whole thing. In the beginning i thought i had a lung problem, or a heart problem. I was genuinely quite concerned, because i kept on experiencing this phenomena of sorts where it felt like i couldn’t breath. Or i could, but the breaths were shallow, and it kind of felt like i was gasping for air. I even thought i may have somehow developed asthma. But then it went away. Just randomly for a week. And so i said well hey, whatever it was, its gone so its all probably fixed…right?

Big surprise...wrong.

It came back, and after some thinking and deliberating i realized that this feeling, this horrible sensation, completely and perfectly lined up with my levels of stress and worry and loneliness. So maybe it isnt really my physical health, but my mental. 

I always thought that anxiety was something you felt purely in your mind. I had heard that saying before, you know, the one about the elephant, but i thought it was far more metaphorical than it was literal. 

Now i’m not going to sit here nilly willy and just claim i have anxiety. I don’t think i do, but i think i may be experiencing some of the symptoms. I’m not going to go to a therapist, or start taking medication, but i am going to try and handle this holistically. Writing down my thoughts (like right now), meditating, doing some breathing exercises, doing actual exercise. You know, all the things they tell us to do. The things that create a calm brain.

As i am writing this, i realize i have had a similar experience before. All of this is starting to feel a bit familiar. Some time ago i was going through a really hard time. I felt incredibly isolated and alone. And in the beginning it broke my heart. I would sob on my bedroom floor until my tears ran dry, every single day without fail. But then, after a few months of that extreme sadness, that extreme isolation, it started to fade. And in its place settled nothing. I felt very numb, very empty, very…how do i describe it? heavy? Heavy, but the weight was empty space. Consumed by my own nothingness. Does that make sense? But that certainly wasn’t anxiety. That was depression. Welp, i sound like such a traumatized, hard done by girl. But i swear i’m not, its just that the hard things feel a bit easier when i write about them. I have the most amazing parents, and i opened up to my mom about how i was feeling. She already knew. She felt my pain, and i think it deeply hurt her to, to see her daughter struggling so much and not being able to do anything about it. And my dad too, i could see the strain it caused him. He blamed himself. But he was only doing the best he could with what he had. I wont get into the details. But to tell you the unfortunate truth, when i opened up to my mom, all those things i was feeling (or i guess not feeling) didn’t just simply go away. Because the main thing causing all of it was out of our control for quite some time. Round about 2 years. However, although my mommy wasn’t able to wave a wand a make it all right, she was able to help and guide me. She counseled me with words of grace and wisdom. She gave me tools to cope. She encouraged me. She hugged me so tight. And it really made everything else a bit lighter. A bit easier to cope with. 

And i got through it. I’ve really got to give myself kudos for that one. I was really strong. I am really strong. And that was much, much worse that this, so if i could do that than i can do this. And i will.

I just have to implement all the incredible lessons my mommy taught me. And everything will be ok. I miss her. Just breath.