yappa yappa yappa

I sometimes feel like im stuck. Im in my own head, standing there enclosed, behind bars begging to get out. Screaming, crying, desperate. But I have the keys. They’re lying right there in front of me. So why cant i just pick them up. Pick the keys up. Its so easy. Just reach out, thats all. Its so simple. But i dont. I want to say i cant, but i can. Its just, its too much. So i sit there. I give up, and sit there in the middle of the cage. Trapped by my own thoughts, my own actions, or lack there of. 

Its not always like that. So heavy. But its always there, looming in the back of my mind. I feel like i have these issues, but i dont want to self diagnose, because although it sometimes it feels like ADHD, or OCD or anxiety it doesnt last long enough. You know. People who actually have these problems experience them constantly, dont they? For me it comes and goes in phases, and its never quite strong enough to be a real problem. But it hurts me, and it holds me back. It keeps me up at night and I just wish so much that when I go to bed at night I can just close me eyes, switch it all off and go to sleep.

Maybe I need to pray more, or go to therapy. I don’t know. Theres so many solutions, and I try my best I really do, but I think its too much for me. And i dont think its only me. The kids, well i guess we arent really kids anymore, but, well, we are struggling. Theres so much pressure all the time. So much stress. So much shit, and for what? The perfect grades, the perfect instagram feed, the perfect body, the perfect style. Its all so stupid. And yet it consumes us. It consumes me. I spend hours studying for a test I’m bound to score mediocrely on and figuring out the perfect photos to post, you know the ones that look candid enough to show you dont really care (you do). I’m constantly working out to get my “dream body”, just to criticize every inch of it and then I go shopping with the tiny bit of money I have left in my account to buy clothes that show my waist and accentuate my boobs, to prove to all the boys that arent paying attention that im sexy or appealing or whatever it is they’re supposed to think. 

I sit and I pretend that I dont subscribe to all of it but i’m lying, i’m lying to everyone else and myself. Because no matter how much I say I dont care, I do. In fact, i care so goddamn much that I’m telling you i dont because i want to come off as nonchalant and “free spirited”. For fucks sake, im just as shallow and narcissistic as the rest. That feels nice to admit. Cause even though it means i’m not the perfect person i claim to be, at least its true. And its nice to hear the truth, when the whole world is so full of lies.

We all are so so fucked. Wars, violence, poverty. Its so easy to ignore. To say ignorance is bliss. But i’m not going to sit here and tell you its not. Because I dont know. I dont have the answer. I dont know right from wrong when it comes to these things. And i dont know why I expect politician to, because they are so much further removed from all of it than I , so how should they know. How are they supposed to pick the right choice. Israel or palestine, India or pakistan, republican or democrat, left or right. You know what, i do know one thing. I know that this world is so intricate, and so complex and so it is so incredibly and irrevocably idiotic to make us choose 1 of 2 choices and make that our whole identity. Because heres the thing, neither ‘side’ is perfectly right. And at the end of the day, no matter who you choose, it doesnt matter. Because nothing changes. There’s still innocent lives being taken every single day. There’s sill injustices being hidden bhind doors everysingle day. There’s still so much sin, always. And people have lost their faith. They’ve lost their minds. They have lost their humanity. 

It makes me sick just thinking about it. 

The babies, being bombed.

The sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandma’s, grandpa’s, bestfriends, neighbours

But whats the point of me getting so upset about it. I feel so out of control. I cant change it. I cant do anything to make a difference. Can i?

So i put my phone full of libels away. I delete instagram. Again. Only to repeat it all over when I feel sad or lonely or inconvenienced in any way shape or form really.

This feels so negative buts its really not meant to. Its just the truth. The harsh reality. I'm trying to make sense of it, i havent succeeded. I dont think i ever will. So I turn to god, i think of the good, i change my mindset and i remember the things i so easily forget.

Like my mom. She is so absolutely fucked up, that woman has been through some serious shit. But despite all that shes awesome. She’s certainly not perfect, but she is perfect for me. I’m not going to sit here and tell you she never made me feel like shit, she has… A LOT, and i’ve done the exact same right back. But when alls said and done, I call her and my heart bursts with love because she is my world. I cant even describe it, the overwhelming amount of comfort she brings me. I think that bond between mother and daughter is something that connot be replaced or replicated. It is one of God’s greatest works of art.

See, i told you,  my life if good. For a moment there I think i fell into the victim mentality, and for a moment it worked, but I cant complain. I am a very blessed young lady, a very very privileged young lady, and an incredibly grateful young lady. Because I have my mom. And then… my dad, and my brothers, and my cuzzies, and my best best friends in the whole entire world. Some people dont get any of that. Or they do and they have it taken away. So who am i to complain. Too much, too much, too much, I keep saying its too much, but take a step back for a second. Someone else is sitting dying to have the education you complain about, or the body you prod and pull, or the clothes you toss aside. Chill out. Smile. 

And even if it does all go away, nothing can erase the relationships you have built and the memories you have made. There is always something to smile about. Even if its simply the fact that you get to see another day.

All this, this is what my mind thinks about most of the time. Pointless really. And when I read it back i realize how chaotic my thought process really is. And you know whats funny, Ive been here before. Coming to this big epiphany that will change my outlook on life. Yup, i’ve done this maybe about a hundred times over and i’ve thought to myself everytime how revolutionary I am. I’m just an average girl. I’ll be right back here again, over and over. Only to realize the same thing.

I’m just a girl.

None of it matters.

We’re all going to die.

Be happy.